When fairness becomes a measure of beauty: dealing with comments about skin.

A day of questions, doubts, and quiet courage.

Having an optimistic approach towards life is correct, but intentionally swallowing the negativity just for the sake of being positive is not justifiable.

A few days back, I was once again confronted by a few people regarding my skin issue. So there is a cleaning lady in our school who greets me every day whenever she sees me. It doesn't matter how many times in a day I come across her, she always has a happy smile and a heartwarming greeting. So I was alone on the third floor, coming back from my lecture, when she stopped me and politely wondered if she could ask me a question. I said yes with a smiling face, but deep down I knew what she was gonna ask me.

"Ma'am, what happened to your skin? It was so beautiful and fair, but suddenly it had turned dark and dull."

She was so hesitant after asking me this question that she immediately apologised to me, wondering if she was even authorized to ask me such personal questions. I humbly told her the whole condition, cut short, but her blank expressions were saying that all. She had no idea how something like this could happen after the use of an ingredient that almost everybody uses once in a while.

Of course, I myself was not in the mood to explain the medical reasons behind it, so I ended up saying: "It will get better".

But she wasn't done there; she proudly told me about a cream that could make any skin tone fairer. According to her, I was likely to benefit from that cream because my original skin tone is fair. Her words:

"Ma'am, this cream is for 100 bucks only, and not only will your pigmented skin go away, but it will also make your original skin tone more fair."

The smile on her face was saying that all, and I clearly understood that, just like any other innocent Indian lady who wants to get a fairer tone, these steroid-based companies are getting all the benefit from them. Considering myself an educated lady, even I wasn't aware of steroid creams until I got PIH, and plenty of videos and Google inquiries made me understand the concept and the bad impact of steroids. But these ladies, they won't understand any such thing, because in our country, ladies could go to any extent just to look fair.

She said she'll bring the cream someday, and I just nodded with a smile. I felt bad about not telling her the bad consequences of such creams, but I decided to stay quiet. Anyway, she wasn't gonna accept my scientific reasoning behind her economic-100-rupee cream. But the conversation remained in my mind, and my mind drifted back into the maze of darkness again, remembering her comment that: 'how beautiful my skin used to be'.

On the same day, my gym owner confronted me too regarding the skin issue. To my surprise, he was already well aware of this condition. He told me that a few years back, his father was also affected by a similar skin issue, but his condition was so severe that dark patches spread to his arms, too. I was so scared after listening to him, but he comforted me by saying that now his dad has his original skin tone back, although it took a long time before that.

It was a little satisfying to hear that original skin was back, and my overactive-overthinking-cells got relieved for some time.

But something more was waiting for me.....

After completing my workout, I went to buy confectionery from a local shop where I usually go to buy stuff. That day, the shop owner's wife was sitting in the shop, with whom I was also acquainted. She greeted me in her lovely Punjabi tone, "Hello ji." But suddenly her smile faded away when she saw my skin. She asked me what happened. How happened. And I could see the real concern in her eyes, genuine concern!

Then again, I explained everything, so she suggested I get my liver checked. According to her, no skin allergy could cause such huge damage, and she felt that something inside was wrong, which could only be corrected once it was internally checked.

"Liver check"

I was scared to my core. And coming back home, I kept on thinking that something bad must've happened to liver and that is the reason behind my skin trouble. My overthinking cells started releasing all sorts of hormones to increase my cortisol level that I could literally start feeling breathlessness. On reaching back home, I called my mother and then my boyfriend, and asked them for their advice. Of course, I was overthinking about that, they said, and told me not to worry about such things. They told me that if I want to get a full body check-up up then I should go for it, but considering my skin issue, that wouldn't be the case.

To be honest, I felt a lot relieved after talking to them. And I gave myself a break.

Of course, days will come when I will not be myself. Even after feeling confident one day, I might not feel the same way the next day. But that doesn't mean that I have lost the battle, right?

It just means that, as humanly it's possible to feel bad even after convincing yourself not to feel bad again ever.

Today wasn't my best day. But tomorrow could be, only if I don't let these thoughts pull me again into the whirlwind of my mind.

With this thought, I wound up my day, believing that a new day will come and my comeback will be too (sooner or later).

With love,

AY