Healing has bad days too.

Depression is creeping in again from the cracks that I accidentally left open. I am sitting on my couch, eyes staring fixedly at the status updates of acquaintances who used to be my friends. I could see their happy smiles, their fun with life, their once-lovers-turned-partners-for-life, them following their passion, them making their family members happy, them LIVING TO THEIR FULLEST.

Am I jealous?

I don't know.

Do I want to feel that way?

I don't know that either.

All I know is my stagnant life, an unloving profession, and the skin condition that has made its home in my skin with its roots grounded in my soul. Yeah, I have been doing meditation, I have been working out, and I have started showing up even when my insecurities are at their peak, trying to make myself feel good all the time. But the thing is that "I don't feel good at all."

Yes, I am saying that out loud. Even the healing mantra, the breathing exercises, the ABC juice, the healthy diet, lifting weights, a loving and supporting boyfriend, caring family, nothing, nothing is making me happy.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am doing everything wrong. Because people talk about positivity, good vibes, feel-good energy, and encouraging spirit, once they start turning inwards. And I have been taking care of that for months now. Feeling depressed should be out of question, isn't it?

I have been eating healthy food, and I am fueling my body with fresh fruits, vegetables, juice, water, protein, and healthy fats, yet my whole body looks shrunken, and my face looks small, like contouring gone wrong. I cannot see the glow that used to illuminate my skin in sweat, and I cannot see the brightness in my eyes that used to radiate my soul, even when the dark circles had carved themselves beneath my eyes.

And my skin condition is still the same. I have been using the cream, and I have been protecting my skin from the sun. I am feeding it everything that helps in healing faster, but nothing is working out. Half of my skin is covered in darkness, my temples have brown patches with little dots of hope, revealing my inner skin, my under eyes are covered with yet another dark patch that looks like an unhealed wound, my cheeks have a few dots of blackness here and there, which look like bad pigmentation, and the discolouration of my neck and the chest is loudly visible.

Emotionally, I am also not feeling well. My relationship with my parents is still the same, my relationship with my boyfriend is most of the time surrounded by conversations like 'When will my skin heal', 'I don't feel good', 'I miss my old skin'. I mean its like I have forgotten how to talk to my lover who had been my support for such a long time.

Professionally, I am stuck in a job that pays my bills, but doesn't offer contentment. I cannot leave the job once I have another job with security. Financially, I am not secure either, so I could leave my job and follow my passion without any regrets.

So altogether, I am really not in a good place right now. Emotionally, Physically, and Mentally.

I think you cannot feel happy and good all the time, even when you're perfectly doing everything on your part. Of course, I just cannot stop doing my part, just because I feel like a failure right now. Maybe this is what healing is all about: non-linear, discontinuous, and fragmented. Likewise, life is all about that, unfolding out of order.

With love,

AY