Total eclipse of my skin...

It had been almost three weeks since I had been following the meditation routine and pranayam.

How much is that effective?

Well! It's too soon to come to that judgment, but one thing that I have been pretty sure of is that my mind feels relaxed most of the time. Even when it's scorching heat outside and I had to go to work wearing a saree, which is no less than a trouble itself or whether it's dealing with students or teaching them continuously for hours, using one hand to wipe the sweat on the face and the other to write on the chalkboard (Yeah, our educational institute doesn't have the facility of air conditioning even when the temperature rises beyond 50 degrees). It's annoying, of course, but nothing can be done, right? Except for changing the workplace, which again is on the back of my mind.

And with the skin condition that I have been suffering, my doctor had advised me to stay away from the Sun as much as possible, but how to stay away from the humid weather, which continually blocks my skin with sweet sweat, that once used to shine my face like a diamond.

No exaggeration there...

But now the effect has been reversed, the same sweat that used to give a shiny glow to my face would often turn my skin dark. It used to make me feel sad, but somehow I had accepted the fact that my skin healing is going to take time, and there is no point in feeling sad or angry because no amount of unhappiness was going to change my life. And I guess this was the mindset very much needed for me.

Perhaps this is how the meditation works?

By the art of acceptance, even when you don't feel like accepting the change. It was working internally, slowly like a seed sprouting on its own terms. But externally, I couldn't see any change. The number of questions approaching me increased exponentially. Most of my students would often come up to me and ask me about the change in my skin. To which I had the same old reply - skin allergy.

Of course, how would these children, who are in their teens, have any idea about Indigo-based dye or stuff like that, right? So my replies would often be minimal, and it would come with concerned responses like- "I hope it gets better soon. "

A few days back, I ran into one of my old students, but we couldn't talk to each other as we shared a glance just for a few seconds. I guess we both were in a hurry. On the same evening, I got a text from the same student as she was confused about one thing. She said - 'Ma'am, if I may ask, this morning, while greeting you, I saw a shadow type of thing on your face. I don't know if that was some sort of shade from the light, or if there's something going on with your skin?'

I was deeply moved by her concern and explained to her that what she actually saw was a real shadow on my skin.

Although the analogy with the shadow, given by my student, put me into thinking for a long time. Was it a real shadow on my face?

I guess it is. It seems like half of my face has been eclipsed by this unknown shadow, which shows no intentions of leaving. I mean, even in Solar Eclipse, it's just a matter of a few minutes to maybe sometimes a couple of hours.

But my eclipse?

It's there for months, and it's growing. Yeah, meditation was helping me internally to deal with such tough emotions, but at the end of the day, I am just a human being, not a saint. It hurts me to think about how just a small mistake could bring forward such consequences. That night, I saw my face in the mirror, and my PIH looked like somebody had done contouring on my face, except that the contouring was making my face more dull and extremely weak. It was making me uncomfortable to see that reflection of mine, but I needed courage to actually see what I had been going through.

But you know, the Sun never stops shining even during those periods of eclipse. No matter how strong the shadow might be cast upon the Sun but its shine always makes a way out of that. And all I needed was to find that shine of mine. Maybe it was hidden, but it was there. I needed to just tap on the right place, and it would come out at the right time.

With love,

AY