I am not just a skin...

I showed up today.

I showed up really well today..

The occasion was our manager's birthday, and being part of a South Indian organisation, we tend to celebrate such moments by getting dressed like them. I, being a North Indian, really loved their vibrant occasions and love for their culture. So this time I decided that I would try to look like them—not just in the way of dressing, but also in the way they accessorize themselves.

It had been my second outing since my skin condition. But the first in the sense that I had literally stopped getting dressed up nicely for my workplace. I guess the first time I dressed up was at a place full of strangers who hardly had any idea about my skin condition. But here, people already knew and had pointed it out several times—sometimes with awe, sometimes with a curious smile. So showing up and dressing up started feeling like highlighting the parts that were already exposed.

But this time I wanted to dress, no matter what. No matter even if my skin stood out, even if the stares got closer, even if the smiles turned into little smirks. I just wanted to show up real nice.

I already had a Kerala saree that I had borrowed from my nani when I joined this organisation, but the problem was that the saree was quite bulky, and I had no blouse to mix and match with it. So I borrowed a saree from one of my colleagues, who kindly lent me two sarees, out of which I chose the one with a red border. Yeah—red colour. Isn’t it amazing to pick a colour that was definitely going to highlight me? Not in a complimentary way, definitely. But I still wanted to wear that red-bordered cream saree with a red blouse.

I put on my favourite golden jhumkas that complemented the saree. The only thing missing was a little red tint I had been planning to buy for a very long time. So I just made peace with a simple lip balm and went out with my head high. While watching my reflection in the mirror, I could clearly see the dark patches. But I could also see that smile that I had been feeling from inside.

I glanced over my eyes—the light brown shade that sparks in light, my naturally red lips carrying a smile I had long lost, my upturned nose, which highlights my entire face, and my cheeks that naturally give a red glow without even application of any sort of tint. For the first time, I was seeing something that particularly gives beauty to my face. I was seeing myself, which was beyond the realms of skin condition, that had somehow taken away my entire confidence in the blink of time.

But today, I was happy, not because my skin was improved (there was no sign of improvement, and the black patches were quite visible), but because I thought of showing myself in the midst of a hurricane of insecurities that were following me like my shadow, always pronounced and prominent.

I also decided to put a jasmine flower in my hair, which was definitely not my style, but I wanted to look like a traditional South Indian lady. And yes, that was complimenting my entire appearance. I put my hair half done, with a clutcher in the middle of the partition, and in that I put the jasmine flower, enhancing my hairdo.

I got many stares, I got many smiles, I got many smirks, and I got quite a lot of compliments, too. But one thing I didn’t lose was my smile. Even when I accidentally saw a flawless lady in front of me or caught my reflection in the washroom mirror, I didn’t lose my smile. Even when the pictures that we had taken together reflected the darkness of my face, even when people were pointing out and asking about my skin condition. I kept on reminding myself that my skin will come back. Till then, I must enjoy the process.

And in that moment, I became new.

I became a person who had accepted the fact that sometimes the major comebacks in life take time. But that doesn't mean that life should stop for the moment to arrive. It's not in our hands when perfection will knock on our door, but what is in our hands is how to make the present perfect even when it seems like an impossible task.

With love,

AY