The moon I wanted to conquer.

Visiting your hometown during winters feels like watching a Santa movie on Disney Channel, with snow-clad roads, bright lights illuminating the entire town, church bells ringing afar, homes with an inviting aroma of hot chocolate and baked cake, and the ambience of welcoming the new year with full zeal and immeasurable hope. But for me it's more than that, it's like entering into a space of bright sky, radiating luminous stars at night, and the pure fresh air.

I decided to visit my folks the day before the christmas as this time our winter vacations started quite early. For me, the best memory of winters lies at the time when I used to be in school, and the whole of December we would prepare for Christmas, even though we belong to a different faith, and then spending the whole winter at home, as our schools would shut for two months, and studying under the sunlight from morning till twilight. But above all, "my" favourite part of that time would be watching stars and the moon at night, because during winters the stars would radiate more brightly than usual. I had my favourite spot, it was a small balcony on the backside of my home, where, after having my dinner, I would secretly sneak in just to spend some time under the stars, talking with the moon like a long lost friend who gets you even when you don't speak.

For me moon was never romantic, I would never stare it for hours because it reminded me of lovers, but it was a destination I wanted to arrive at..

Yeah. I wanted to be an astronaut.

It wasn't a childhood fantasy that vanishes when maturity hits you like a hurricane. It was my dream since I learnt about Kalpana Chawala, and witnessed the Columbia space shuttle disaster on the news. I must be in the 6th standard, and I announced to my parents that I am gonna be an astronaut someday. Of course, coming from an extremely humble background, my parents had less of an idea of what an astronaut is, but they welcomed my decision with full enthusiasm and happiness, unlike my other so-called-high-profile-educated realtives who dismissed this idea by saying that a space career was not for girls like me.

That was the first dose of rejection, which unfortunately I had to take from my own family members. But I didn't lose hope; still, the real dose was yet to come.

Why are all these memories flooding all over my mind? It's because last night, I encountered my lost friend yet again, which reminded me of my dream that I chased for nearly two decades. I studied Physics not because I was in love with the subject, but because I wanted to learn about space. I wanted space suits, zero gravity, and the quietness of space, lurking Earth from the tiny windows of the spacecraft, watching the sun come and go. I learnt all the complicated equations, objects escaping the gravity, space-time, quantum theory, and whatnot. After all, I graduated in Physics with a specialization in Astrophysics.

Of course, coming from a small town, you have no guidance, no knowledge of the path, and no preparation. Still, I didn't lose faith in my dream because I knew that it wasn't a fleeting one. I spent my entire youth chasing this dream, even when the path seemed beyond possibility. Call it weird dream or impractical TED talks, but I never stopped trying. I worked hard all my 20's believing that someday I am going to achieve my goal. But I guess the Universe had some other plans for me.

So finally, on my 33rd birthday, I decided to give up, not because the path was difficult, but because I felt like I was knocking on the wrong door. I was so confident in my dreams that "Giving up" was never in my dictionary. But sometimes you need to give up on something only to make a way for something else. I didn't conquer the moon, but I know that I tried hard, I faced rejections, and plentiful failures. And one thing that it taught me was the vastness of my words that are full of pauses, distance, gravity, silence, and a yet another story just like a star carries.

Even now, when I see a moon through a bus window or terrace at night, something in me pauses.

But it never reminds me of my missed achievements; rather, it speaks of my unrealized potential lying somewhere beyond space that I need to tap into.

Because sometimes the missed opportunities or the lost dreams clear the way for another dream that seemed to be our real calling.

With love,

AY