June: The month I disappeared

The best part of blindfolding is a comforting illusion of escaping the part that we don't want to see, forgetting that even when our eyes are closed, countless others remain open. I didn't realize it until I stumbled into the darkness that I had been carrying around.

"Home Sweet Home" - The best part about visiting home is that no matter how bad the circumstances might get, home is the only place that can gently feed your soul, persuasive enough to make you realize that this shall also pass. Although I had already told my mother about my skin darkening but deep down I was too self-conscious of the fact that my parents would notice the change. They might not say anything hurtful, but silently, they might judge me for the condition. Therefore, before leaving for home, I thought of giving myself a haircut that could slightly accentuate my features and secretly hide the traces of blemishes. The hairdresser from whom I usually get my haircut was stunned on seeing my dark patches. He asked me what happened to my skin, and I told him the whole story. While giving me the haircut, he kept on telling me home remedies to get rid of darkness, but all I could see was my skin on the magnifying mirror, which magnified my imperfections and left me staring at a version of myself that was too hard to love. Suddenly, I felt a small lump in my throat, wetting my eyes with the silent grief that I had been hiding inside me for a long time. I swallowed my grief like a sudden pill, holding my tears behind my eyes. I nodded with a smile after the haircut and assured him that I'll make an effort to apply the remedies.

I was ready to face my family with side-swept bangs as if they would hide away my fear. I was welcomed with a bright, loving smile and an assuring, warm hug that everything will be alright. My mother gently lifted my hair to see the discoloration, and my heart raced at the speed of light, ready to hear the judgment. Of course, the disappointment kept lingering in her eyes, but her maternal instinct comforted me with a gentle touch that spoke of all suffering will end with summer vacations. My father, a man of few words and unexpressive in feelings, couldn't understand how to cope with the unavoidable situation. His displaced concern said it all. But I was too vulnerable at that time to understand his tenderness in disguise. But he, being an ayurvedic practitioner, brought me a face pack, 'Saundaryawardhak lep', which he asked me to apply every morning before the cream prescribed by the dermatologist. They, too, were sad to see me like that because all they had seen was my glowing, bright face, which shone even during the time of distress.

But the most wonderful part about being at home was the kitten, who was the latest addition to our family. They say that pets are natural antidepressants, and she was the one. Most of my time was spent at home, either playing with her or spending time with my cousins. I was asked to avoid the sun, but I altogether avoided the brightness too, choosing the comforts of shadows. I locked myself in a small room that used to be my study room and tried to avoid my reflection as much as possible. My days would be spent looking at my old pictures and wondering where that woman went, the one who lived behind that beautiful skin? My patches were growing in size with a little darkness than before. It looked like irreversible damage, as if no medicine could undo the effect, and the shadow became my constant companion with an illusion that healing could only be done through isolation. And this is how I started my days and nights, hiding behind the curtains of my home, so that no gaze could realize my presence.

But I forgot that I wasn't disappearing from the people around, rather I was disappearing from my own self.

With love,

AY